Car Lust

March 8 Weekly Open Thread - Suspicious Vans Edition

As always, this is the preferred repository for all the off-topic conversation that doesn't really fit anywhere else.

We tend to be van fans here in Car Lust country. I wrote a heated defense of minivans a few years ago in which I wrote that "popular culture is so anti-minivan today that driving one is so counter-culture, so in the face of popular biases, so keeping-it-real, that it's almost punk rock." A little later, as part of Inappropriately Named Chrysler Products week, I ran a piece both ridiculing and adoring the Dodge Sprinter. Cookie the Dog's Owner wrote a paean to his mini-mini-van Mazda 5, Big Chris and I debated the merits of the Volkswagen Vanagon Westfalia, and David Drucker wrote a scorching piece titled, "A Minivan is Better Than What You're Driving." Someday, I'll get around to putting into print the Custom Van Lust piece that has been rattling around in my head for the last few years.

So, given all that, it was with more than a usual level of interest that I learned of SuspiciousVans.com, which features, well, vans that are suspicious. Vans, of course, have a reputation of being frequently involved in shady activities of all kinds, and SV's gallery of entertaining and unsettling images of incredibly creepy vans shows that this reputation is pretty well-founded. SV's mission statement: "Leash your pets and small children; suspicious vans can be found in even the safest cities. From the rape-wagons to the intravenous-drug-use vans to the parked-out-in-the-middle-of-nowhere-for-no-reason VW buses, this site is an ode of respect, fear, and appreciation for them all."

That sounds like a worthy mission to me.

--Chris H.

SsangYong Rodius

Some cars are beautiful, and some ... well, not to put too fine a point on it, some cars are not beautiful. The proportions are off, or the detailing is overwrought, or a prominent design element clashes with the rest of the styling, or it's bland and boring, or something's just ... not quite right.

And then there are those select few that are total aesthetic disasters. Not just ugly, but dog ugly. Butt ugly. Warthog-beaten-with-an-ugly-stick ugly. Cars it hurts just to look at.

Today's subject is such a car. It was voted "the ugliest car ever made" by the readers of CarData, Whether that's exactly right or wrong--I can think of a few other contenders for that dubious honor--this car is nevertheless one whose body panels insult the very steel they were stamped out of. Continue reading only if you be men and women of valor, for the styling of this automobile is so just plain wrong that it would make even an Aztek owner recoil in horror. So, brave readers, if you do doubt your courage or your strength or the durability of your retinas, come no further, for true hideousness awaits you all with ...

Our Cars--1997 Chevrolet Express Van

Submitted by Ann Stetson for Our Cars Week

Here is my 1997 Chevy Express parked in a road-side rest area in Kansas, on my way to New Mexico in 2001. I had two dogs along (if you look close you can see a water dish on the ground by the rear wheel), a friend, and mounds of stuff for two weeks on the road--I was on the way to a huge Golden Retriever dog show.

I live in NY, and this van has carried me, my dogs, my friends, and my husband all over most of the United States, in truck-like comfort. It's not at all comfy like my 2006 Mercedes R-class, nor is it especially cool-looking, but when it comes time to load 'er up and hit the road, you can't beat it. I've carried three dogs in crates, two humans, a lawn mower, assorted stuff, and still had room to fit in books, cassettes (it is a '97 model!), and all sorts of other things.

One of my favorite memories is driving back down to New York from my husband's grandparents' old farm house in Connecticut. We stopped at a Dunkin' Doughnuts and afterwards my old dog fell asleep with her head inside the bag, probably dreaming of sugar. The dog passed away a few years ago, but the van keeps moving on.

We bought the aforementioned Mercedes to replace the van. Yet for some reason I still have the Chevy, funky electrical system and all. I'll keep it until the only folks who want it have a 1-800 number and a tax write-off receipt.

--Ann Stetson

Star Trek: The Motion Picture--Plymouth Voyager

On the rare and unfortunate occasion that one thinks of Star Trek: The Motion Picture, one usually tends to think of the slow, ponderous pace of the film, the drawn out periods showing nothing but blue clouds, the soundtrack periodically intruding with the mechanical whine of a power drill. Of course, all of this was meant to frame the riveting conflict between V'Ger the Nomadic Space Probe and the intrepid disco-tastic spandex-clad crew of the USS Enterprise.

But what was V'Ger? Of course, we had to sit through hour after interminable hour of slow-motion special effects and stilted dialog, revealing at the end of the movie that it was some hokey 20th century space probe called "Voyager 6," followed by a highly uncomfortable make-out scene involving a bald woman and a guy who would eventually play a reverend on TV--precisely the sort of predictable plot development you would expect out of a movie like this. But happily there's one quote that sums the whole thing up:

V'Ger is that which seeks the creator.

In all seriousness, though, what could be more ponderous and produce more blue smoke than Star Trek: The Motion Picture? Well, in the spirit of the original movie, let's take an extended, unnecessary, and highly unwelcome diversion, shall we?

Pontiac Aztek

When GM's panopoly of brands was in full swing during the 1950s, the goal was to create a natural progression for customers to climb through to preserve brand loyalty. The theory, so it went, was that a young buyer would start with an inexpensive Chevrolet, then work up to a slightly sportier Pontiac, migrate to a more reserved Oldsmobile, follow that with a more luxurious Buick, then retire to a nice Cadillac. Owing to its early postwar success for GM, this model was adopted by both Ford and Chrysler--for Ford, it was supposed to be Ford to Mercury to Edsel to Lincoln, while Chrysler pushed a Plymouth to Dodge to DeSoto to Chrysler to Imperial progression.

As both Ford and Chrysler learned the hard way, maintaining a fine-grained approach to the market, with separate brands, bodies, engines, vehicles and dealers for each conceivable market segment, only makes sense when you're selling enough volume to make it worthwhile. For Ford, it didn't take long for Edsel to disappear. Chrysler's DeSoto, meanwhile, disintegrated by 1961, having been killed off by the same market economics that led to sales declines for Buick and Oldsmobile while rendering Ford's poorly executed efforts at establishing the Edsel brand moot. By 1970, GM, which controlled nearly 50 percent of the market by itself, appeared to be the only car company large enough to pull off such a strategy profitably.

Nissan Cube

UPDATE: the U.S.-spec 2010 Cube has been unveiled--and it's the mirror image of the Japanese version.  Pictures here.

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Japan seems to be producing a lot of adorably quirky rectangles on wheels these days. Some, like the Honda Element and Scion xB, have become familiar here in the U.S., while others, such as the Suzuki Alto Works, are unknown to these shores.

The most interesting of all is the appropriately-named Nissan Cube. I first learned of the Cube by reading about it in Robert Cumberford's "By Design" column in Automobile magazine. That article focused on the Cube's styling, of course. But while the Cube is interesting for how it looks, that's not the only thing that makes it interesting.

A Minivan is Better Than What You're Driving

(Note from Chris: We've touched on this subject in the past, but this bears repeating. Besides, David's is better--and it's fun to watch him rant.)

I don't care what your current ride--or even pie-in-the-sky dream ride--might be. A minivan is better. "But wait!" (I can hear you say)... "A minivan will make me look, well, like a minivan-driving loser." Get over yourself. If your self-image is based on what you drive, just put a Ferrari Owners Club license plate frame on the minivan. Awestruck onlookers will assume that your Ferrari is in the shop, which it probably would be anyway.

Volkswagen Vanagon Westfalia

Chris Hafner: The Volkswagen Vanagon Westfalia doesn't have much to offer the enthusiast. Even the normal Vanagon was a slow, lumbering, ponderous, wheezing vehicle; only comparison to the original VW bus--a legend of slow motoring--would make the Vanagon look fast or agile. The Westfalia camper package, with added weight and higher center of gravity thanks to its tiny kitchen applicances and a pop-up sleeper tent roof, was even less athletic. The best thing that could be said about a Vanagon Westfalia on a twisty mountain road was that it was slightly racier than an RV.

What the Vanagon Westfalia offered was a dream. Like a turtle that moved slowly but carried its shelter on its back, the Westfalia's self-contained habitat offered the driver some real options. Heading down to the supermarket to grab some groceries? Fine, but if you feel like continuing your trip to, say, the Rocky Mountains, you've got a built-in camping spot. Why drop the kids off at school when you could just keep rolling up to the Yukon Territory to do a little fishing and hiking with the family?

Mazda 5

Submitted by "Cookie the Dog's Owner"

During the last football season, Peyton Manning appeared in a series of "Priceless Pep Talk" commercials for a major credit card company. In one of them, he attempts to console a viewer who is "bummed" about driving a minivan. "Is it at least like a sport-turbocharged minivan or something?" he asks plaintively, before recommending "flames" or a "cool decal" as a cure for the minivan blues.

If Peyton had been pitching Mazdas instead of credit cards, he might have recommended a Mazda 5 instead. The Mazda 5 looks more or less like every other minivan, but when you park it next to the likes of an Honda Odyssey or Dodge Grand Caravan, you notice that it's a lot smaller. Mazda calls it a "small crossover," though it lacks all-wheel drive.

It's a Mazda, so of course the build quality is excellent, and it's as reliable as modern engineering can make it. It has a decent sound system and power windows and all the other little electromechanical conveniences you expect in a modern vehicle.

INCP--Dodge Sprinter

This week I'm going to run a daily series highlighting Inappropriately Named Chrysler Products (INCP)--a rather narrow category, perhaps, but one that offers up a surprising number of candidates.

Take today's example, for instance. I have nothing against the Dodge Sprinter commercial delivery van--in fact, I would have nominated it as a Car Lust at some point on its own merits.

For one thing, its looks are earnestly geeky in a way you don't often see nowadays. The Sprinter is the equivalent of the goofy junior high kid who grew six inches over the summer and now can't muster up any degree of coordination.

The most intriguing thing about the Sprinter, though, is the world of possibility it opens up. I'm tempted to buy a Sprinter just to wade into the mind-bending array of opportunities it represents.