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"Yes, Virginia...."

DEAR EDITOR:

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Car Lust. Papa says, "If you see it on the Internet, it's so." Please tell me the truth; is there a Car Lust?

--VIRGINIA

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong....

...They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age and an over-reliance on Consumer Reports. (They also don't seem to know what a search engine is. Put "car lust" in as your query and it comes right up as the first result, f'cryin'outloud!) They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere turn signal, an SAE 330 bolt, a radiator hose clamp in his intellect, as compared with the twin-turbo V-16 of the world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth--and of finding something positive to say about Chevy Vegas.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Car Lust. It exists as certainly as love and generosity and Santa Claus exist. There is a Santa Claus, too, and he reads Car Lust. He has a car, too. Probably a VW Type 3 Squareback, but it could also be a Beetle, you never know with him.

Anyway, where was I?

Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Car Lust. It would be as dreary as if there were no Subaru 360s, Fiat X1/9s, or MG Midgets. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance, no unscheduled roadside maintenance stops to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in cheesy dashboard fuel economy displays. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished, replaced by soulless gray Camrys with automatic transmissions, and by appropriately-named Chrysler products.

Not believe in Car Lust? You might as well not believe in Studebakers! You might get the State Highway Patrol to watch all the roads somewhere west of Larimie on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus speeding in his VW, but even if they did not see Santa Claus driving by, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus--or Chuck Norris, for that matter--but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus--or that there is no Chuck Norris. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see, like Chuck Norris when he's in ninja mode. Did you ever see an Anadol STC-16? Of course not, but that's because there are only 26 of them, they're all in Turkey, and you can't afford the air fare to Istanbul. It's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world, not even Chuck Norris.

You may tear apart the power window mechanism in your maiden aunt's Prius and see what makes the noise inside (and void the warranty in the process), but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, or even Chuck Norris himself, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, and a really complete library of Chilton repair manuals can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beneath the valve covers of a 351 Cleveland, or inside a ZF transaxle. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Car Lust? Not at all! It lives, and lives forever. A thousand posts from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand posts from now, there will still be Audi Coupe GTs, and Batmobiles, and DeSotos with tailfins and nine-passenger station wagons with optional vinyl woodgrain side treatment to make glad the heart of pistonheads everywhere.

...with apologies to Virginia O'Halloran and Francis Pharcellus Church.

Merry Christmas from all of us at Car Lust!

Santa Claus by Virgil M. Exner, Jr.Illustration by Virgil M. Exner, Jr.

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...i'm sorry, but santa claus does not drive a volkswagen: his garage consists of old cords and toronandos, with a phantom corsair he saves for special occasions and a 3.7L A8 for when he's feeling particularly modern...

...his baby, of course, is an old saab 9000 up on blocks, awaiting a three-litre lancia motor he's been trying to shoehorn into its engine bay for the better part of twenty years, but like all project cars, the holidays keep getting in the way...

...each morning, when he cranks up his mount of choice for the brief commute to his workship, as the motor struggles to turn over in the arctic chill, santa can be heard to mutter under his breath: "on donner, on blitzen! on chewy, on, tavo! c'mon, beto! now merlin, now gina! now, lola!"..

...yes, santa claus is partial to front-wheel-drive V8s...

...m... come on. Other Than compact cars/hot hatchs, front wheel drive is ghastly and useless. Santa appreciates RWD V8s. He doesnt like torque steer.

...yeah, tell that to the eight tiny reindeer when they're trying to push his sleigh...

"Bless us all. . .everyone. Including the Pintos."

Did someone say Chuck Norris? Nothing says Christmas like Chuck Norris.

http://www.wrongsideoftheart.com/wp-content/gallery/posters-g/good_guys_wear_black_poster_02.jpg

I've never seen this movie. To those that did, is it good?

Merry Christmas everybody.

Try telling santa to drive a 17' fwd car with a 455 Up front.

Let's see... Large V-8-powered FWD vehicles... the Olds Toronadoes, some Cadillac Eldoradoes, and the GMC Motorhome come to mind...

Dear Santa,

I really wouldn't mind if you dropped a mint condition AMC Eagle wagon in front of my house tonight. Really, I wouldn't.

Santa is like the Stig's American cousin:(However, Stiggy's cousin is both offensive & funny at the same time)He perfers cars that are comfertable, with soft suspensions & cushy seats. Something with a V8 powering the,Ahem,rear wheels.

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