11/29/08 Roundup
Gorgeous Panamera
About a week ago, Autoblog put up a post highlighting the official photos of the new four-door Porsche Panamera. The idea of a Porsche sedan hasn't exactly excited Porsche purists already disillusioned by the existence of a Porsche SUV, and that's understandable. For my part, I have to admit that I'm about as eager to see a Porsche sedan as I am to see a Jeep sedan or a Lamborghini sedan. I'm sure Porsche can produce a fine sedan, but what's the point?
Well, imagine Porsche-istas' outrage when the official photos revealed that the Panamera is a five-door hatchback. The horror! I, of course, am delighted. Rather than just another fast, anonymous sedan in a world filled with fast, anonymous sedans, now the Panamera has a purpose. Sport wagons are cool; five-door sport hatchbacks are cooler. A Porsche five-door hatchback, swaddled in leather and wood, with (dare I dream) folding rear seats? Be still my beating heart.
I understand this won't be a $20,000 five-door hatch, and I doubt anybody will use a Panamera 4S to haul a load of beauty bark. Still, you have to admire Porsche's chutzpah here. I love the Panamera's rounded rear, and I love the idea of a high-speed, grand-touring five-door hatch. It's enough to confirm my faith in humanity.
And of course, it's deeply cool that the Panamera's bulbous derriere visually references the great 928; the fact that this led Autoblog to link to our 928 post is just gravy.
Ninja Hauler
Car Lust contributor David Colborne found a fantastic used-car listing in Montana Craigslist--while the post quicky disappeared, David archived the text for posterity. The photos showed a plain-Jane Nissan Xterra and a pair of Hammer pants. The text was composed entirely of genius.
"OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.
"It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.
"This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).
"No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.
"It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
"My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
"There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.
"Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.
"To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants."
Massive Momentum
This isn't recent, or news, or even automotive. But for those of us who are addicted to speed in all its forms, it may be of interest.
A few years ago I rode the Japanese Shinkansen bullet train, and it left a profound impression on me. It was incredibly smooth, impossibly fast--in short, a fantastic way to travel. More than anything, the tremendous mass of a train, combined with the speed of the Shinkansen added up to a feeling of immense momentum that was deeply satisfying for this speed freak.
Well, I stumbled across some videos on You Tube this weekend showing off some really fast trains and was so excited by them that I just had to share.
This first video shows a specially outfitted French TGV bullet train hitting 574 kilometers per hour, or 356 mph. For reference, that's only about 20 mph slower than the famous Supermarine Spitfire WWII fighter. That's a world record for a train on conventional tracks
The video is remarkable for the tremendous feeling of speed and power it conveys--I love the sparking electrical transmission lines, the view of the transmission towers frantically disappearing in the distance, and the way the train explodes underneath the pedestrian bridge. Truly fantastic.
The second isn't quite as visceral, but it's perhaps more intellectually stimulating. This video describes the Japanese maglev trains, which use magnets to levitate and propel the trains--effectively removing friction from the tracks. A Japanese maglev train actually went 581 kph (360 mph)--slightly faster than the TGV.
--Chris H.
Big Chris on November 29, 2008 at 09:43 PM
That Porsche is stunning. Simply beautiful.
...m... on November 29, 2008 at 10:10 PM
...i'm thinking that the panamera is more-or-less what the old saab 900 used to be, which is a very cool thing indeed...
Jim Bob on November 29, 2008 at 10:34 PM
I don't like it. It looks like every other Porsche product. They try to make everything like like a 911. This is a stretch 911 with the powertrain from the Touareg...err... Cayenne. Porsche has got to have the laziest styling department of any major manufacturer. Get a new idea already!!!!
RobiNZ on November 30, 2008 at 12:37 AM
I must be seeing a different car. The 928 was stunning, actually still is as followed a mint one down the motorway the other day, where as this thing is a bastardised 4 door 911. Where is the innovation?
Jim Bob on November 30, 2008 at 02:12 AM
Aaah, the 928. The 928 is what happens when Stuttgart engineers decide to take their engine ideas from the Chevy Vega. After all, what other two mass produced cars can you name with aluminum cylinder walls? I think the 928 is a nice looking car, but the drivetrain is it's Achilles heel.
Shawn on November 30, 2008 at 05:02 AM
I want to like the Panamera, the idea is great. But there's something a little...frumpy about how it pulls off the concept. I'd have to stick with the still gorgeous after many years Maserati Quattroporte if I was shopping this class.
That Car Guy on November 30, 2008 at 08:57 AM
At least they had the wisdom to sculpture the fenders and front doors after the Ford Focus.
Rob the SVX guy on November 30, 2008 at 11:36 AM
I like the idea of the panaremamerma (whatever) but the styling sucks. It looks like someone melted a 911 and stretched it a little. The lines don't look taught and powerful, they look kinda weak and saggy. I'm sure it's a great car to drive, but I find that car pretty ugly.
Jim Bob on November 30, 2008 at 09:00 PM
The bad thing about the Maserati Quattroporte is that it looks like a Buick Lucerne. It just does not look exotic enough. Put a Buick emblem on it, and most people would never know the difference unless they drove it.
RobiNZ on December 01, 2008 at 03:34 AM
Meant to add, the hatch back isn't brave as it's necessary. Imagine how small, and useless, a conventional boot (trunk?) lid would be. Wouldn't pass the golf bag test deemed essential by some.
Shawn on December 01, 2008 at 05:08 AM
Top Gear commented on the Panamera in the newest episode. Their complaints were very similar, saying Porsche only knows how to design one thing: derivatives of the 911. They also commented that a Cayenne looks like a 911 that backed into a shed. They decided they'd much prefer a Quattroporte or the upcoming Lamborghini Estoque 4-door concept, which I find quite beautiful:
http://jalopnik.com/photogallery/lamstoque34/1003840631
epilonious on December 01, 2008 at 07:00 AM
"I understand this won't be a $20,000 five-door hatch, and I doubt anybody will use a Panamera 4S to haul a load of beauty bark."
As someone with a mz3 5-door. I resemble that remark.
The real question here is... will the large/fluffy dog be allowed to ride in the back with the seats folded down. Lab and Golden hair tends to find it's ways into unimaginable places. ("The seat belts? How did the hair get woven into the seat belts!?")
Sillypickle on December 01, 2008 at 02:53 PM
Re: dog hair
I recently bought a 91 Celica convertible and the previous owner had a rather large Collie. I have had a wonderful time trying to get all the hair out of all the places I have found it. Getting hair out of the convertible top has been the hardest part!
Mochi Mochi on December 01, 2008 at 05:38 PM
which is cooler... panamera, mag-lev, or french bullet train. for styling the mag-lev wins hands down. for break through speeds on current tech rails... vive la france. porsche gets points for making a hatchback... now if they could make one and sell it for less that 22000USD they would be the winner. but they don't so :P
Brian on December 01, 2008 at 10:32 PM
Hate to be disagreeable, but I disagree. I dig the Panamera on a couple of levels. It's a 5-door hatchback. That's about the coolest thing that Audi's created in a while. I think there was a Taurus wagon, but the Panamera of course has a similar drivetrain layout to the 928, which was a fantastic very fast early FI OHC V8.
If there's a mechanical descendant to the 928 it's the Panamera.
It's a front-engined, rear wheel drive or all wheel drive vehicle, which is something that Porsche has always known was the proper balance configuration without going to a mid-engined car.
It's got room for the dog.
But yeah, styling by Ford.
Rob the SVX guy on December 01, 2008 at 11:02 PM
@ Brian: Audi?
Chris Hafner on December 02, 2008 at 08:55 AM
Jim Bob: "This is a stretch 911 with the powertrain from the Touareg...err... Cayenne. Porsche has got to have the laziest styling department of any major manufacturer."
Robin Capper: "this thing is a bastardised 4 door 911. Where is the innovation?"
Rob the SVX Guy: "It looks like someone melted a 911 and stretched it a little. The lines don't look taught and powerful, they look kinda weak and saggy."
Man, you guys are all crazy.
It's a five-door Porsche sports luxury *hatchback.* If that isn't awesome, I don't know what awesome is.
I look at the photo above, and I begin to salivate. That sloped fastback/hatchback rear roofline is gorgeous. Sure, the rear is reminiscent of a 911, but viewed objectively it's very pretty. It's smooth, sculpted ... mmm, good.
Brian on December 03, 2008 at 02:42 AM
Rob the SVX guy:
That was a bit of a grammatical stretch, I guess, what I meant is that Audi has a nice looking 5-door "hatchback" which is really more of a wagon, so does Dodge. Not very familiar with these cars but they look practical and macho, unlike most wagons. My point is only that when you need to get some "wheel time" in your Porsche, it's nice to be able to take along the dog and some stuff that won't fit in a small Porsche. I'd say the Panamera looks better than the Cayanne, the Porsche SUV. We should leave the implications of the words "Porsche SUV" for another day.
Richard Fagin on December 04, 2008 at 12:32 PM
Macho? Performance? C'mon guys, UPS delivered the new Whipple for my 2003 Cobra yesterday, and JDM Engineering is sending over a new mass air meter, intake kit and ECM program. I have all of $26k inn that car.
They're gonna change the etching on my passenger door mirror to "OBJECT IN MIRROR APPEARS TO BE LOSING." I think that includes the Porsche.
djiezes on December 05, 2008 at 04:28 AM
I've got to agree with the Top Gear commentators here. It's a long time since I've seen a car that ugly, badly designed - not taking the Cayenne into account.
Jim Bob on December 05, 2008 at 06:57 PM
If I want a really macho performance car, it's not going to be a 5 door hatchback made to look like a 911. Give me a black Dodge Challenger SRT-8 instead! In my opinion, it's the best looking car on sale by any manufacturer at any price. Get the dealer installed supercharger and you have around 600 hp. It just oozes testosterone, while the Panamera just oozes puss. I am sure the Porsche is a better car from all technical standpoints, but I wouldn't spend that kind of money for well engineered ugly.