A Minivan is Better Than What You're Driving
(Note from Chris: We've touched on this subject in the past, but this bears repeating. Besides, David's is better--and it's fun to watch him rant.)
I don't care what your current ride--or even pie-in-the-sky dream ride--might be. A minivan is better. "But wait!" (I can hear you say)... "A minivan will make me look, well, like a minivan-driving loser." Get over yourself. If your self-image is based on what you drive, just put a Ferrari Owners Club license plate frame on the minivan. Awestruck onlookers will assume that your Ferrari is in the shop, which it probably would be anyway.
Minivan vs. SUV
What's
that? You need the Escalade to haul the boat to the lake? Let me tell
you about towing. In 1992 I hauled 4,000 pounds worth of trailer and
motorcycles from upstate New York to Daytona Beach, and back again, using a
1984 Dodge Caravan. It wasn't even the 2.6-liter hot-rod version, but a
base 2.2 with three speed automatic. With three drivers, the trip took
21 nonstop hours in each direction, and we repeated it with the same
vehicle in 1993. Granted, the engine blew up in Hackensack on the way
back north in 1993, but three out of four ain't bad. Besides, today's
minivans don't have lame-ass 2.2-liter engines, and ours had 180K on
the clock and needed to die anyway. Bottom line, I don't care what the
lawyers make them say. A modern minivan will tow whatever a normal
person needs to tow. And it'll let you sit nice and high, just like the
Escalade does.
But what about when the going gets rough? Surely an SUV is better than a minivan when the road is nothing more than a distant memory? Maybe so, but who do you think you're kidding? Most SUVs--and especially not yours--never make it off the pavement, or if they do it's not on purpose. And sorry, dirt roads don't count as off-road. Besides, a truly avid off-roader is more likely to head into the wilderness in a highly-modified (or even purpose-built) vehicle. Being as near as matters to useless on the highway, that vehicle will have reached the edge of the wilderness on the back of a trailer. It might have been towed by a big SUV or pickup, but it could be towed by a minivan, which would also be able to cope with those nasty dirt roads that you think call for an SUV. You're such a baby.
Minivan vs. Luxury Car
But,
really, what is a luxury car these days? The old-school signifiers--a/c, power windows, cruise control, et al--no longer apply, and their
high-tech replacements are often more trouble than they're worth.
(iDrive or adaptive cruise control, anyone?) You might make try to
make a case for exclusivity being tantamount to luxury, but you'd be
wrong. It seems hard to believe today, but there were years in which
Cadillac sold 250,000 cars. They were all pretty luxurious by the
standards of the day, but exclusive? Not so much.
Luxury, in my world, means a roomy, quiet, and comfortable cabin; a cushy-but-controlled ride; and convenience features that are easy to use and work well. Guess what? Tick the appropriate boxes on the option list, and your minivan will swaddle you in luxury. Four occupants (the maximum that can experience luxury in any vehicle) will be way more comfortable than they would be in a conventional luxury sedan, and when the revolution comes they won't be lined up against the wall and shot.
Minivan vs. Prius
Be
honest here. You didn't buy a Prius to save gas. You bought it because
you think that it makes you appear to be environmentally conscious.
Believe me, it doesn't. For proof I refer you to the always-spot-on
social commentators at South Park, who devoted an episode to a hybrid
called--wait for it... --the Pious. Besides, a fully-loaded minivan,
while horrible to contemplate, gets better per-passenger mileage than
the Prius. And if image is that big a deal, have "hybrid" painted on
the minivan's flanks and liftgate. But better still, get over yourself.
(Besides, the Prius looks goofy. What's with those tiny wheels?)
Minivan vs. Genuine Sports Car
Are
we talking mid-life crisis sports car, or just sports car? If the
former, it would be good to remember that when you toss the keys at the
valet and head into a club you have no business going to, you'll still
be old, fat, and bald. Or at least that's what those young girls you
want to impress will think.
If, on the other hand, you want a sports car because it's fun, then you might want to expand your definition of fun. I like a vehicle that's a challenge to drive. One whose handling limits show themselves during real-world driving, at real-world speeds. A real sports car's handling presents no challenge to the driver until the speed limit has long been left behind. A minivan, by contrast, keeps you on your toes when the road gets interesting.
I will, however yield on one point. If the sports car in question is a ragtop, that single feature trumps anything a minivan can offer. In fact, even if the ragtop in question isn't a sports car, even if it's a clapped out three-cylinder '89 Geo Metro, it trumps a minivan. But other than that, a minivan is better, so get over yourself.
--David Drucker
Zarba on August 22, 2008 at 05:50 AM
I tried explaining all this to my wife when we had to replace our 10 year old Honda CR-V.
Unfortunately, the Odyssey feels like a school bus after the little CR-V, and we bought a Pilot.
Now she complains about the gas mileage.
Sillypickle on August 22, 2008 at 09:17 AM
You didn't compare minivans to regular sedans... Are those ok?
Also, my family owns a minivan, and I hate driving it. It's a 2000 Toyota Sienna, and the brakes are absolutely ridiculous (it didn't used to be like that). It scares the crap out of me because you have to push the pedal way too hard to get decent braking performance out of it, so I always underestimate how much I have to press the pedal then end up having to almost screech to a halt when I realize I need more pressure on the pedal to avoid rear-ending the guy in front of me. All this to say, in my opinion this piece should be taken as referring to brand new minivans only, which should not have any such problems.
Ian on August 22, 2008 at 10:00 AM
David: "Besides, a fully-loaded minivan, while horrible to contemplate, gets better per-passenger mileage than the Prius."
Which minivan did you use as a comparison? This actually sounded true to me, but using the EPA fuel economy numbers from fueleconomy.gov, the only 2008 minivan I found that got more passenger miles per gallon when fully loaded than TWO 2008 Prius (apparently that's also the plural form) carrying the same number of passengers was the Mazda5. One Prius fully loaded? Couldn't find a single minivan that did better. Maybe my math is wrong?
Cookie the Dog's Owner on August 22, 2008 at 10:10 AM
I like my vehicles small, light, and agile. Consequently, I don't care much for minivans. Even my wife's Mazda 5 (http://www.carlustblog.com/2008/03/our-cars--mazda.html) is larger than I like--and it's pretty compact, and drives more like a car than a van.
That said, when it becomes necessary to haul a large group of Boy Scouts and their gear, or new kitchen furniture, or some other equivalent cargo, a well-engineered minivan can't be beat.
Rob the SVX guy on August 22, 2008 at 10:19 AM
Sillypickle: Get your brakes fixed. There is something wrong, and you're endangering everyone on the road.
David: Surprising article coming from you. I agree, for the most part, that minivans are a superior form of transportation for hauling lots of people or cargo. However, one thing you are forgetting is that most people do not haul lots of people/stuff on a daily basis. Most cars on the road have one person. Hence, I'd rather be driving my 89 Hondas getting 30mpg to work, than a 20 mpg minivan. If I'm going camping, it's just myself, my wife, and my dog, so we still fit into any of the cars I own. There's no reason to switch to something bigger.
Sillypickle on August 22, 2008 at 10:25 AM
I'm not sure if it's something wrong with the brakes, or if it's just me coming from driving a much smaller and lighter car. It's my parents minivan, after all, so I leave driving and maintaining it to them as much as possible.
David Drucker on August 22, 2008 at 11:06 AM
Sillypickle: Yeah, sedans are OK, as long as they're Crown Vics or Grand Marquises. (That can't possibly be the correct plural.) And Rob's right, fix your brakes. If, as you say, they "didn't used to be like that" then something's wrong.
Ian: Math, shmath. It's a rant, and as such can contain shameless hyperbole.
Rob: "Surprising" eh? I refer you to Walt Whitman, who said "Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes." Meanwhile, I'm forced to wonder about the statement that includes the phrase "any of the cars I own." (I'm just sayin'...)
Ian on August 22, 2008 at 11:26 AM
David: "Ian: Math, shmath. It's a rant, and as such can contain shameless hyperbole."
Well, can't argue with that. I still don't think a minivan is for me. Or a Prius, for that matter.
RocketRobinHood on August 22, 2008 at 08:24 PM
Thanks for the fun read.
(and sorry to be one more guy saying it)...
Sillypickle: Seriously, that's one part of your car you should never ignore. You really want to be on these same brakes when some poor kid on a bike swerves in front of you? And it's your folks' car; you won't have to pay, right? C'maaaaahhhhn. (that last bit courtesy of Peter Griffin)
Anthony Cagle on August 23, 2008 at 09:04 AM
Too big.
Anthony Cagle on August 23, 2008 at 09:06 AM
Too big.
Theodore on August 23, 2008 at 02:28 PM
The minivan is eminently practical. Unfortunately, it's also mind-numbingly dull.
Rob the SVX guy on August 24, 2008 at 10:56 AM
They don't have to be. I plan on getting a Chrysler Minivan at some point in my life. An old one. Thing is, they have bOOOOOoST! :D
Check out http://www.turbominivan.com/
With a few thousand in upgrades, you can make the ultimate sleeper.
David Drucker on August 24, 2008 at 10:58 AM
Anthony: Too two.
Theodore: Dull? Try one on the Blue Ridge Parkway, in October, in thick fog and rain, and the road surface covered with wet leaves. That might keep you interested!
Mochi Mochi on August 24, 2008 at 02:57 PM
David this is just brilliant! You're logic and reasoning are impeccable. The only thing better than a gut busting mini-van rant, is one that contains comment counter-points which include Walt Whitman quotations. What a tour de force. Bravo!
David Drucker on August 24, 2008 at 04:48 PM
Well, gosh...
Theodore on August 24, 2008 at 09:34 PM
I've had "interesting" moments in minivans. That doesn't mean I enjoyed them...
Steaming Pile on August 25, 2008 at 06:17 AM
Ah, the 1984 Dodge Caravan. Somebody ought to do a Car Lust (or at least a Car Respect) for the first-generation Chrysler minivan. I drove one as a loaner once, and it was OK. It was not ponderous or hard to handle like the vans we used at Fort Jackson at the time, but not terribly powerful, either. It also didn't look like one of those 70s carryover wagons like Clark Griswold's Family Truckster that 80s kids (you know who you are) didn't want to be seen riding in. Bottom line, if you needed more room than a K-car could provide, there was your vehicle, and Lee Iococca sold a lot of them back in the days when Michael Jackson hadn't yet gone all weird. SUVs were for tobacco-chawing hicks who took their eleven coon-hounds and their redneck friends hunting on weekends, not for hauling your typical two and a half children to Little League. That would have been considered overkill.
OldCarGuy on August 25, 2008 at 07:50 AM
Nice try, David. I appreciate your enthusiasm, even if it's for a vehicle for which I have none.
If I wanted something to keep me on my toes when the road gets interesting, I'd much sooner go with Chris' Westfalia.
Bill on September 10, 2008 at 02:56 PM
This is blasphemy. Minivans are all that's evil in the world.. the Official Vehicle of Inconsiderate Slow Left Lane Driving A-Holes. Were it not for my sports car, I would spend hours stuck behind these inconsiderate SOBS. Fortunately, I can pull off just about any maneuver I want to weaving in between cars to get around them as needed. If *I* had a minivan, I'd be at their mercy - no thank you.
George Giaquinto on February 07, 2009 at 10:13 AM
"you'll still be old, fat, and bald" - yes I will, and you've got me thinking about a Mini-van! Great stuff, David.
salguod on May 26, 2009 at 01:57 PM
I know it's an old post, but I love this. Here are some things I've done with my minivan:
- taken 6 adults & gear from Columbus to Chicago in comfort for a long weekend.
- Hauled 4x8 sheets of plywood
- Hauled 15-16 bags of mulch, could have hauled double that.
- Taken 2 adults, 3 kids, 4 bikes, lots of camping gear and a large pop up camper.
- Hauled a full sized sofa and a love seat.
- Hauled 6 teens and preteens & gear across Pennsylvania to week long church camp.
- Taken my family of 5 on a 15 day multi-grandparent Christmas excursion through 4 states.
Name another vehicle that can do all that.
BTW - I do enjoy fun cars. My other cars are a 2005 Mazda3 hatch (5 speed, naturally) to get me to work and a 1960 Thunderbird Convertible for when the sun shines.
Arundo on February 08, 2010 at 06:35 AM
Then there are microvans, which is what I'll call our Honda Fit.
My wife bought one based on research and a first-person recommendation. She loves it, and it's a surprisingly roomy little car. With seats down we can fit a 4x8 sheet of plywood or a major purchase at Ikea into it with the hatch closed.
Nice thing is that the Fit doesn't have that minivan stigma.
kg2v on February 08, 2010 at 07:35 AM
Yep, Minivans are a good vehicle, but for what I usually do, I'll take a pickup. A square of roofing shingles, a roll of flashing, a bucket of goop, ladders up on the roof rack
Then again, commercial plates....
DensityDuck on February 08, 2010 at 10:34 AM
I see plenty of minivans out there every day, with "Acura MDX" and "Lexus RX400" and "BMW X3" on the back. They're crappy minivans with no cargo space and tiny cramped seats, but they're awful popular.
Of course, sometimes I get the sneaking suspicion that the drivers don't actually KNOW they're in a minivan...