INCP--Dodge Sprinter
This week I'm going to run a daily series highlighting Inappropriately Named Chrysler Products (INCP)--a rather narrow category, perhaps, but one that offers up a surprising number of candidates.
Take today's example, for instance. I have nothing against the Dodge Sprinter commercial delivery van--in fact, I would have nominated it as a Car Lust at some point on its own merits.
For one thing, its looks are earnestly geeky in a way you don't often see nowadays. The Sprinter is the equivalent of the goofy junior high kid who grew six inches over the summer and now can't muster up any degree of coordination.
The most intriguing thing about the Sprinter, though, is the world of possibility it opens up. I'm tempted to buy a Sprinter just to wade into the mind-bending array of opportunities it represents.
Should I open up a door-to-door motorcycle parts distribution business? Turn the Sprinter into a mobile slot-car racing track? Perhaps a poor man's RV? A renegade, unlicensed, hyper-aggressive airport shuttle? An immaculately prepared race car hauler? A mobile party van for college frat guys that can be hosed out the next morning? Or perhaps I should follow my true life purpose by turning the Sprinter into a bookmobile that only serves up back issues of Car & Driver? The Sprinter can do all of these and more--it makes dreams come true!
Anyway, I'm off-track. The real point is that, as compelling as this re-badged Mercedes van really is, its name is wholly, entertainingly inappropriate. Take a good look at the Sprinter and envision it actually trying to sprint. Like the gangly ninth-grader I compared it to above, it scarcely looks comfortable in its own skin, much less lined up ready for a sprint.
In fact, while any athletic appellation would be laughably ridiculous on the Sprinter, it's hard to come up with a name less appropriate for this vehicle than "Sprinter." Perhaps "Agile Kung Fu Master" or "Elite, Flexible Gymnast" would be slightly less descriptive of the Sprinter's true personality and purpose, but within the bounds of realistic vehicle names, I think "Sprinter" is brow-furrowing enough to deserve inclusion here.
The eerily silent video below illustrates the Sprinter's many charms, but watching the Sprinter tiptoe cautiously around the corners should dispel any notions that it was made to run. Flickr user So Cal Metro has perhaps the definitive collection of working Sprinter photos on the web, two of which I have used in this post. I particularly like the one where the hulking UPS Sprinter makes the Ford Aerostar look like an sub-compact.
--Chris H.
Oatworm on February 11, 2008 at 08:33 PM
My favorite part of the Sprinter is how it's a giant, hulking beast of a van that makes Aerostars look like Geo Metros... yet it's all powered by a 5 cylinder diesel engine. Let's just say you probably don't want to drag race with it.
kim on February 12, 2008 at 01:09 AM
Watch those Brownies make it sprint. A world class athlete in the short distances.
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SilentStorm on February 12, 2008 at 06:37 AM
Well, if Dale Jarrett drives it for Nascar, it will be able to hold up its name quite well.
Jeff on February 15, 2008 at 01:23 PM
What's fun is remembering seeing those in Germany used as Ambulances (they're great for narrow twisty roads) - with 4 wheel independent suspension you watch them bobble and wonder how they stay upright.
Douglas on February 15, 2008 at 01:33 PM
This is a fast van:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XVPmnomMME
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lvc5rDc4Fc0
Frank Black on February 18, 2008 at 10:35 AM
AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!
I was walking down the street last week and saw one. I immediately thought "Hey, that's a Sprinter, and it's inappropriately named."
Of course, now I also feel like buying a Rampage for like $100 and modifying the snot out of it.
Hate you, Chris.
Frank Black on February 18, 2008 at 10:37 AM
AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!
I was walking down the street last week and saw one. I immediately thought "Hey, that's a Sprinter, and it's inappropriately named."
Of course, now I also feel like buying a Rampage for like $100 and modifying the snot out of it.
Hate you, Chris.
Chris Hafner on February 20, 2008 at 01:35 PM
Frank Black: "Of course, now I also feel like buying a Rampage for like $100 and modifying the snot out of it."
Yep! Me too. That faux-Shelby version got my heart pumping a little faster.
I feel your pain on the Sprinter as well. Have you ever noticed that if you have a car on your mind that you begin seeing it everywhere? On Monday I saw two Sprinters, two Dynastys (in varying stages of disintegration) and one Imperial. Weird.
"Hate you, Chris."
You have good reason.
Greg on March 01, 2008 at 09:47 PM
As a Marine at K2 airfield in Uzbekistan in 2003, our daily transportation between our tents and work were a pair of Mercedes Sprinters. They were completely torn up inside, with the broken sliding door tied on to keep out the cold, no first gear left, and an engine that sometimes disliked starting in the Uzbek winter. Nevertheless, after the spring thaw, we discovered that mudding in a Sprinter is one helluva laugh.